“Not that we are adequate to think anything of ourselves,
but our adequacy is of God” ~II Cor. 3:5
Two months have passed since Emma entered our lives...and it has absolutely felt like two months. I'm actually shocked its only been two months since it has felt like a much longer period of time. That's how it goes when life is challenging. When I made the decision to start this blog and decided on a name for it my reasons were two-fold. One reason was that the portion of scripture where "to everything there is a season" comes from is one of Ben's favorites and was read at our wedding so it has special memories attached to it for us. The second reason was because one time when Noah was just a baby and very colicky someone said to me, "this is just a season". That has stuck with me ever since and has sort of become my mantra. Life is full of different seasons. Some seasons last longer than others but seasons don't last forever. Eventually they end and a new one begins. That is where I take comfort these days. I know God has a perfect plan and purpose for the challenges we are facing right now and I am confident He will see us through. I have been asked a few times recently why I haven't written a blog post in awhile. The truth is my head is one big foggy mess right now! I am a blessed lady, this I know. I have a wonderfully supportive, Godly husband and 7 beautiful and healthy children and I get to take care of them! I have everything I could ever want. So when I say I'm a hot mess I don't mean to sound negative as though my life is so hard. I just mean that having Emma, and adjusting to the kind of baby she is, and figuring out how to manage my time well so that I am able to care for everyone has been tough. It has meant that we've had to say no to a lot of things and limit our commitments. This is not an easy thing for someone like me, and with these decisions have come a great deal of guilt. That mommy guilt is a powerful thing isn't it? Even with the elimination of certain activities from our lives, "for a season", I'm still falling short! In the first few weeks of school one of the boys went to school without a lunch, one didn't have his instrument for the first day of band practice, I scheduled a parent-teacher conference with one of the teachers from LAST year and didn't notice till that teacher emailed me telling me she didn't have my kids this year, and one of the boys (I'm almost too ashamed to admit this) actually went to school with a HUGE rip in his jeans right on his bum, which went unnoticed by me until I was getting him ready for bed! Seriously!? This is how thick the fog is people!
I was on the phone with a good friend a little while back, when Emma was not sleeping at all, and I was sharing with the friend how the previous few nights had gone. They had not gone well and I had not been sleeping and I told her how the night before I was just holding Emma, who was not wanting to sleep and quite fussy. I was so exhausted and so frustrated that I just cried....and cried and cried. And then she said to me, "I'm so glad to hear that you cried. I was starting to think you had some kind of super human strength because you always seem so positive and look so happy". And it hit me...while its a good thing to try and keep a positive attitude and outlook, and while we should be able to find joy in the midst of our difficulties, I realized it might also be important for me to tell you all that yes, I do struggle and I don't always have things under control. Big surprise right?! I have done my share of crying, my share of saying, "its not fair that baby #7 is this hard...I have 6 others to take care of ", I have had my tantrums and bad attitudes in the past 2 months. Trust me! But what you also need to know is that I didn't stay there. I'm human and God knows I'm human. He knows my feelings and He cares. He wants me to be honest with him and tell Him how I'm feeling but what He doesn't want is for me to remain in that state. I am to cast my cares and my burdens at His feet, give them to him and then trust that He will give me what I need to face the next day...or even the next minute. This particular "season" has not been an easy one for Ben and I. But we know it won't last forever and we are thankful for a God who gives us what we need in the moment. I tell people we are in survival mode right now. And there are times I feel guilty that is all I can give, I feel inadequate when I have to say I'm hanging on by a thread. But with Gods help we will get through this challenging period. We covet your prayers and I hope by sharing my heart and letting you in on how I've been feeling I am helping even one mom out there feel like she's not alone and that even us "seasoned" moms have bad days too!