A Time to Trust the Beautiful Journey

                      

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. ~Prob. 3:5-6

There are not too many months that go by in this house where we are not celebrating someone’s birthday. This month we have two birthdays, Tess is one of them. It's with her birthday coming up in a couple days that I have been thinking so much about the journey God brought me on in waiting for

her. The name Tess means, "beautiful" and the journey God took me on was certainly beautiful.

Kristina O'Brien
Photography

After Jena was born and we finally had our girl our family seemed complete. We had 5 young children and we were feeling like our plate was pretty full. Like it is for most, welcoming a new baby into the family comes with some overwhelming times as you adjust, and even though Jena was an easy baby we still had our share of overwhelming moments. Thinking about having another baby seemed crazy. Yet as crazy as it seemed it only took about a year for me to get that longing again for another baby. The difference this time was that Ben and I were not on the same page. He was very firm that he did not want another baby. He was not saying no forever, but no for now.

This was the first time that we had not been on the same page when it came to having a baby. It was new territory for me and I wanted to make sure that how I handled our opposing opinions not only pleased God, but also respected my husband. Having a baby is a big deal and the decision to have one shouldn't be taken lightly. As much as I wanted another baby I also did not want my husband to feel as though his feelings on the subject didn't matter. One thing that I remember as I think back is that we had a mutual respect and understanding for each other's feelings. I understood that he felt it was unwise of us to have another baby because we were already so busy and so overwhelmed with the ones we had. On some level I totally felt the same way. It did seem unwise to think about bringing in another baby. I did understand that we were just two people and we had a lot of responsibility...and yet as much as I understood and prayed that God would show us His will the more I longed for a baby. I just couldn't explain it.

So what do you do when you find yourselves on opposite sides of the fence? Well the first step is respecting and hearing each other's side, which we did. After that though where do you go from there? We decided the best thing to do was come up with a compromise. We decided that we would wait until Jena was two before making any big decision. When she turned two we would re-visit the subject and see how we felt at that time. Of course that year was filled with lots of prayers...mine of course were asking God to please just put us on the same page somehow. I begged him to make it clear and that if it was not His will for us to have another baby that He would take away my desire to have one. Well the desire for another baby never went away. And Ben's feelings of not wanting another baby didn't go away either.

Four months before Jena was to turn two Ben had to go away on a business trip and I was really not feeling myself. I knew it wasn't a cold or anything like that but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Then it dawned on me that maybe I was pregnant. It seemed highly unlikely since we were being careful not to get pregnant but that had not worked out too well for us in the past so maybe I was. I went out to buy a pregnancy test (always fun to do with 5 kids in tow...) and took the test late one night after I had put the kids to bed. It was positive. That night I cried tears of joy for two hours and just spent it in praise and thanksgiving to God. In that moment I had received confirmation that God had heard my prayers, He did know the desire of my heart and he had answered yes. I know that all of my babies have been a gift from God but this one just felt like an extra special gift. One that was meant just for me and I will never, ever forget that moment and those hours with God. It was and is so special to me.

There's a movie called Facing the Giants and in it there is a woman who is unable to have a baby. Part of the movie is taking you through her journey of not being able to conceive and at the end when she receives yet again another negative pregnancy test we see her crying in the parking lot. Through her sobs she looks up to God and says, "I will still love you." I can't get through that part without sobbing myself, not because I understand what it is like to not be able to have a baby but because I understand where her heart is in that moment. Whatever it is that we desire, when God says no, it's hard. Will we still love God when He says, "no"? I understand that God could have said no to us having another baby and I hope that I would have been okay with that answer. I had 5 healthy, beautiful children. I had no business desiring another baby and at the time it made no sense to me why I couldn't let go of that feeling. God had a plan for us. He not only gave us Tess but he also took me on a beautiful journey. 

It was a journey of trust. I left my heart, its desires and all, at God's feet and made a choice to trust him with the outcome. Once I got pregnant I had no idea what Tess' delivery and the weeks following would bring. I couldn't have known how much I was going to have to trust God, how much Ben and I were going to have to trust God. As I look back and remember and look forward to Tess turning two I am reminded of how good God is to me and all he has

brought me through. He said yes to the desire of my heart even when I was so undeserving and He allowed me to take this beautiful journey and for that I am so grateful. Tess is a blessing, as all our children are, and we are just so thankful to have her in our family. So Happy Birthday sweet girl and may you grow to experience your own beautiful journey with God someday!

***I feel as though I need to make a note here. When Ben found out I was pregnant, even though the desire of his heart had not been to have another baby, he was very happy and did see it as part of God's plan for us. ***